Below you will find some simple tests to prepare you for the real thing.
- Your wife can prepare like this: she can put on a wide dress and put a big bag of rice down the front. She should leave it there for 9 months. After the 9 months, take out 10% of the rice. For you as a future father: Go to your local drugstore and empty your wallet on the counter. Tell the cashier to take what she wants. Then go to the supermarket and arrange for your entire monthly salary to be paid directly to their head office. Go home and read your newspaper for the last time…
- Before you finally go ahead to have a baby, find a couple who are already parents and advise them about their method of discipline, their lack of patience and low tolerance levels and how they allow their children to run around screaming. Give them specific suggestions on how to improve their children's behavior. Enjoy this moment…it is the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
- If you want to feel what it is like for a mother to have the ‘night shift’: walk around in your living hall from 5pm to 10pm while you carry a wet bag weighing 3-5 kg. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.Get up at midnight and walk around in the living hall again, carrying the bag, of course, until 1am. Put on the alarm for 3 am. Since you can’t go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make yourself a hot drink. Go back to bed at 2.45am. Get up at 3am when your alarm goes off. Pick up your wet bag and sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put on the alarm for 5am for your partner to wake up. Get up. Make breakfast and keep all of this up for 5 years. Oh yes, look happy.
- Are you sensitive about the mess children can make? Find out now: smudge peanut butter on your sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there for a month. Stick your fingers in your garden’s soil and rub them on the clean walls. To cover the stains: use crayons. Nice?
- Take an egg box, use a pair of scissors and a can of paint and turn it into an alligator. Next, take a toilet paper tube. Use only sticky tape and some aluminum foil and turn it into a palm tree. Last but not least, take a milk pack, a ping pong ball and an empty Corn Flakes box and make an exact replica of the Petronas Towers. Did you manage? Congratulations! You are now qualified for a place on the Kindergarten committee.
- Forget the Lotus and buy a family wagon. By the way, don’t think you can drive off in a clean and shiny car. Family cars don’t look like this. Get a chocolate ice cream and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 20 sen coin, stick it in the cassette or CD player. Buy a big bag of chocolate cookies and crumble them on the back seats. Finally. Run a garden shovel up and down the sides of your car. Ready you are!
- Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
- Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
- Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a kindergarten child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intent to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this DO NOT even contemplate having children.
- Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Corn Flakes and try to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Corn Flakes are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.
- Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends and Sesame Street and Disney. When you find yourself singing, “I love you, you love me” at work, then you finally qualify as a parent!
P/S : Haha!